Stop calling it a Behavior Problem

Time out versus cool down. Misbehaving versus dis-regulation. There is a fundamental problem in the way we deal with students who are struggling in classrooms.

The Language Problem: Behavior vs. Regulation

The language we hear is always:

Behavior,

Behavior.

And underneath focusing on “Behavior” is that what is going on is that the child is choosing to misbehave and not that they are dis-regulated due to … something.

That the circumstances they’re in is a state of dis-regulation.

This is a fundamental problem.

Because if we look at the situation of the situation of misbehaving, then we look at correcting the child towards behaving.

If in instead we talk about a child being in a state of dis-regulation. Then we look at Tools to help the child calm down chill out, relax and recover to a state of being regulated.

Opposite approach. Radically different tools.

Potentially terrible outcomes…. But only if you start with “behavior” and “correction”.

The Sergeant Stare

When my son was in third grade I dropped him off at school and waiting for something…

I saw one of our schools his school’s behavior specialist get down in the face of a little nine-year-old boy and give him a full sergeant in your face talking to.

I knew this boy and I knew and she knew he was autistic.

And if you know anything about Autism, you know that eye contact for many autistic people is deeply stressful.

And when you push an autistic person to have eye contact with you, they are doing everything in their power to stay with you.

They really don’t wanna be looking at you.

And it’s intensely stressful and they can’t hear anything.

They can’t do anything else because they’re pinned in a painful awkward situation.

And this was the strategy that this alleged behavior specialist was using on an autistic kid.

Wrong on every level.

The Limits of a Behavior-First Model

This embodies the problem of behavior as used in school.. and as a general model for children, particularly kids that are disabled.

Kids do misbehave.

I have an autistic son… he misbehaves sometimes… he has tantrums… all of those things happen and I’m not would never say they don’t.

But he also gets dis-regulated (and that occurs more often.

I don’t think we really we don’t understand the Autism and I really don’t think we should pretend we do…

But I can see when he gets dis-regulated.

His whole body sometimes gets to the point where he needs to move. He needs to run and squeak and get hugs.

He needs to get some stress or energy or whatever it is out of his system so he can get back to doing whatever he was doing.

It’s not a choice.

It’s a circumstance.

It is no a seizure, but it’s it’s something that is comes from fundamentally his disability, not from some sort of decision, or chosen action to challenge my authority as a parent.

And if I treat it and treat him as if he is misbehaving I then use an entire suite of tools that are about correcting his behavior..

But if I fist work with him to get himself regulated…. then help him build strategies so that he stays regulated ….and help him identify when he’s becoming disregulated and them help him spin down before he spins up and gets out of control

These are two completely different radically different circumstances and yet constantly, we are imposing a behavior-misbehavior model on kids, and I think in many cases, and if you listen to it closely very often are in a state of involuntary disregulation.

The Wrong Tools for the Job

It is madness when this happens at school

No one is hired as “Regulator-ist” or “Self Regulation Specialist”.

Or they’ll be hired as a Behavoirist (or somewhere in the BT, BCBA hierarchy in the world of ABA for autism).

The behavior model is punitive or politely punitive or corrective as opposed to supportive and sympathetic and it is the wrong tool for the wrong job in many circumstances.

,,,and then we wonder why things spin out of control and they get worse.

We Need New Default Language and New Models

I don’t have any answer, but I do know we need new language and new models and new approaches because this punitive-behave-misbehave-punishment-corrective-timeout driven model flat out can’t work if a child is not misbehaving…

What if we just started assuming that we are dealing with dis-regulation… and worked from there rather than the other way around?

What if the job title was “Regulator” or “Calmness Coach” or… anything but “Behaviorist”?

What if we stopped assuming malice and started assuming that what we are seeing is a cry for help?