Coming Out Disabled

My son is autistic. At least since he was 4 years old, it was pretty obvious that he was “different” from other kids.

This has only become clearer as he has gotten older.

We want him to be welcomed (not merely “included”) in his classes and other activities that he participates in.

How do we help make these activities as successful as possible for my son and everyone else?

The approach my wife and I have taken is to try to preempt concerns and questions. Rather than wait for (something) to occur, we proactively communicate with everyone. We talk to teachers and counselors, program staff, … but we’ve also put together a letter that we share with the parents of the other children.

We introduce our son, explain that he is autistic, and that he may act in ways that their kids haven’t seen before. We let them know that they can ask us questions (as well as the teachers, counselors or others if they are comfortable with this) and that we are looking forward to the being in the class/program. (If you are interested, I can share the letter… just reply to this email)

This has gone quite well (mostly).

We had one school principal one year who required that we make all of the copies of the letter to go home to the other kids (not really a big deal) and was generally a hold-up to a process that everyone else was totally fine with.

But, other than that, we’ve had a lot of support.

One special education teacher used this as a springboard to talk to the student’s in my son’s classroom about disabilities.

… and I’ve heard of other parents giving an “Introduction to Disability” session in their classroom.

For us, we have no choice.

We want our son to be included and welcomed…

Better to answer the question before it is asked.

… and increase everyone’s chances for success.

I’m not ashamed of my son’s autism and I don’t want him to be ashamed either.

I know a lot of people don’t know much about disability (though we’ve gotten some very nice letters from other parents sharing their disability experiences and support)… so, we do what we can to get them on our team (and hopefully warm things up for the next disabled person they meet).

…. BUT…

This is pretty easy while my son is young.

Middle school and high school are going to be different.

I haven’t figured out a strategy for when my son is in a bunch of different classes with a bunch of different kids.

… BUT BUT…

This is not a “Job Situation” where “coming out” disabled could put someone’s job at risk.

I hope that more and more disabled adults can share that they are disabled … to give other people the chance to be welcoming through better understanding..

… and set a welcoming groundwork for subsequent disabled workers and fellow citizens and community members.

I’m turning 60 later this year. LGBTQ+ rights were barely a “thing” when I was a young adult – mostly the opposite before and during the early days of AIDS. Now, even with political backsliding, most ordinary people day-to-day have changed their minds on gay marriage and have moved to a live-and-let-live perspective. Not perfect. Still a long way to go.

Looking back, the change has been remarkable. Looking forward, it would have seemed inconceivable.

What will it take to do the same for disability rights and disability justice?